1. The First Law of EMS:
All emergency calls will wait until you begin to eat, regardless of the time.
2. The EMS Law of Gravity:
Any instrument, when dropped, will always come to rest in the least accessible place possible.
3. The EMS Law of Time and Distance:
The distance of the call from the hospital increases as the time to shift change decreases.
Corollary 1 - The shortest distance between the station and the scene is under construction.
4. The EMS Rule of Random Simultaneity:
Emergency calls will randomly come in all at once.
5. The Axiom of Late-Night Runs:
If you respond to any motor vehicle accident call after midnight and do not find a drunk on the scene, keep looking - somebody is still missing.
6. The EMS Law of Options:
Any patient, when given the option of either going to jail or going to the hospital by a police officer, will always be inside the ambulance before you are.
7. EMS Rules of the Bathroom:
A. If a call is received between 0500 and 0700, the location of the call will always be in the bathroom.
B. If you have just gone to the bathroom, no call will be received.
C. If you have not just gone to the bathroom, you will soon regret it, because the probability of receiving a run increases proportionally to the time elapsed since last going to the bathroom.
8. The First Principle of Triage:
In any accident, the degree of injury suffered by a patient is inversely proportional to the amount and volume of agonized screaming produced by that patient.
9. The Gross Injury Rule:
Any injury, the sight of which makes you sick, should immediately be covered by 4x4s and Kerlix.
10. The EMS Law of Light:
As the seriousness of any given injury increases, the availability of light to examine that injury decreases.
11. The EMS Law of Space:
The amount of space which is needed to work on a patient varies inversely with the amount of space which is available to work on that patient.
12. The EMS Theory of Relativity:
The number of distraught and uncooperative relatives surrounding any given patient varies exponentially with the seriousness of the patient’s illness or injury.
13. The EMS Theory of Weight:
The weight of the patient that you are about to transport increases by the square of the sum of the number of floors which must be ascended to reach the patient plus the number of floors which must be descended while carrying the patient.
Corollary 1 - Very heavy patients tend to gravitate toward locations which are furthest from sea level.
Corollary 2 - If the patient is heavy, the elevator is broken, and the lights in the stairwell are out.
14. The EMS Rules of No-Transport:
A Life-or-Death situation will immediately be created by driving away from the home of patient whom you have just advised to go to the hospital in a private vehicle.
15. The First EMS Rule of Bystanders:
Any bystander who offers you help will give you none.
16. The Second EMS Rule of Bystanders:
Always assume that any Physician found at the scene of an emergency is a Proctologist, until proven otherwise.
17. The EMS Rule of Warning Devices:
Any ambulance, whether it is responding to a call or traveling to a hospital, with lights and siren, will be totally ignored by all motorists, pedestrians, and dogs which may be found in or near the roads along its route.
18. The EMS Rule of Rules:
As soon as an EMS Rule is accepted as absolute, an exception to that Rule will immediately occur.
When the Lord made Paramedics, he was into his
sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared and
said, “You’re doing a lot of fiddling around on this one.”
And the Lord said, “Have you read the specs on
this order? A paramedic has to be able to carry
an injured person up a wet grassy hill in…